A ship comes to the port. The provision crane is not working so the crew members form a chain from the jetty through the gangway to the main deck to get their stores onboard.
Amongst the 5 men there is also is a woman seafarer helping out with the ship stores.
The captain observes from his window that while most men are comfortable handling 3 crates of Coca Cola at once, Janice is struggling to carry so much weight.
He come down and says to her, ‘Janice, you don’t need to carry all the three crates at once. Pick up only what you can.’
Janice looses her mind. ‘What is your problem? Who do you think you are?’
The captain is left shocked by Janice’s reaction and Janice feels let down by her boss.
A well intended offer to help but it was seen as an insult. What is happening here?
It is very hard to understand this dilemma unless we really understand the true meaning of help.
If help is not centred at the other person, it is not help. It is a matter of moral superiority or an exercise of power and control over the other. The German philosopher Nietzsche tells a wonderful story that captures the essence of what help is not in a few words. You see a blind person crossing the road and you want to hold their hand and guide them to the other side of the road.
For Nietzsche, this is not helping. It is an exercise of power.
If you really care about the blind person, you will first ask them if they need your help. You will watch them as they cross the road but you won’t just grab their hand. And if you feel the itch to hold their hand, you will tie your hands back or stick them into your pocket. But you will not hold their hand.
We live in a world where helping and caring has turned into problem solving and saving lives (safety saves lives). If we can solve another person’s problem we think we have helped them. In high-risk industries (such as maritime) problem solving means I’m here to save you.
The captain intervened because he thought that he would save Gill from hurting herself.
I want to save the blind man from being hit by a car.
But problem solving or trying to save another person’s life is rarely about helping them; in fact, the opposite. Problem solving makes me superior to the other person. It belittles the other person and it makes them look dumb.
As a parent I am tempted to solve all the problems of my children but that has only made things worse so far. Ask anyone who has lost their loved one in a suicide and they will tell you how much they wish they would have listened more than offering advice.
Giving help is not a bad idea but first ask, do you even need my help?
Each day we are thrown with so much good advice about how to become good leaders, how to treat the others with respect, how to create psychological safety, or how to ensure diversity and inclusion in the workplace but the trouble is that much of this advice has no ethical framework. It is packaged into tools, techniques, slogans and 7 habits of successful leaders.
A skilled helper, a term I borrow from Girard Eagan, would never buy into techniques and tools. A skilled helper will start with building a relationship and make themselves available for offering help.
A skilled helped is not there to save Janice. A skilled helper will make themselves available when help is needed.
A skilled helper will meet with Janice in what Martin Buber would refer to as the I-thou space.
In the I-thou, the captain sees Janice as the equal other and not an object or a hazard to be controlled (I-it). The captan may ask Janice if she needs help and respect her position when she says no.
Janice is furious not because the captain intervened in the middle of an operation.
Janice is furious because there is no relationship between the two.
The job of a captain is not to solve all the problems of his crew members.
Being a captain is about learning to be a skilled helper.
Recommended reading: The Skilled Helper by Gerard Egan (1975).
